I have been thinking about raising my children in an environment that promotes choices, freedom, and grace. In doing those three things where on earth do I as a parent begin? I am going to share with you some great information, We had a speaker at MOPS in Tyler, Texas - Chris Legg.
Before I give you those little nuggets of information I want to take a journey with you into the world of words; especially the word discipline and punishment.
When you hear the word disciple what is the first thing that comes to your mind? For me I cringe because I am sure I am in trouble for something I did. I had to take a new approach and put on a new lens of looking at the words.
Here is some great news - 'We have had a skewed view of discipline.'
I am sure each person who reads this is going to find my statement above totally absurd. I am going to take us on a journey about the word discipline and punishment. I hope as parents we see a different approach for our children.
Thinking back to my younger days the words punishment and discipline were used as synonyms. When in reality the word discipline actually has a much different meaning than punishment.
Let's first look at the word; punishment, Webster’s definition is; "suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution"; Webster’s definition of discipline is: “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character"
The two words discipline and punishment can be as different from day and night. I did a little bit of research into the word discipline and found an interesting correlation between discipline and disciple. In the Greek we have the word 'mathēteuō '( mä-thā-tyü'-ō ) meaning to teach, or instruct. If we look disciplining our children in the view of discipleship I think we are going to have a better chance in teaching our children what we want them to learn.
As parents we now need tools to get our mindset out of punishment into discipiling our children.
Chris Legg on Wednesday had some great ideas to get our mind going in the right direction. I am also reading a book by Danny Silk "Loving our Kids on Purpose".
I hope to encourage you as mothers of young children we can do this! We can make our kids become great disciples of what we are teaching them, and in teaching our children we are following scripture - "Teach a youth about the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." (Prov 22:6 - Holman Christian Standard)
Now for some practical tools that can help each of us in our walk with our children. Chris shared these tools with us on Wednesday -
Grab piece of paper and write down 5 skill sets you want your children to have when they leave your home. When your spouse gets home then ask him to do the same. You are going to have 10 skill sets you want your child to learn. What a relief we have goals to work towards with your children!
Some of those skill sets are going to change over the years. Some won't. I will share with you a few of mine.
1. I want my child to understand the importance of having a relationship with Jesus
2. Learn to budget/mange money from an early age.
3. To be potty trained before he goes to 1st grade.
4. Learn interdependence. (A great book to help with this is the ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effetive People’ , by Stephen Covey)
5. Learn how to make good choices and understand the consequences when making a bad choice. (helpful book is ‘Loving Your Kids on Purpose’ by Danny Silk)
While by the time James is six years old the skill set will change. I have other skill sets for each of my kids. Some of the skill sets are the same and others will change.
Make a date night and talk to your spouse about the skill sets you want to develop in your children, and then develop a plan to put these into practice. Make a monthly meeting to help both you and your husband, and also a time to rejoice over the skills your children are learning.
A few of reasons why discipline is so hard to do in our lives:
Discipline is inconvenient for the parent; punishment is for the parent not for the child. Discipline takes time, so does discipleship. Keep the finish line in your sights and you will make huge progress.
We are in a battle for our children's lives from the one who wants to steal, kill and destroy our lives and their lives. Our children want control, they want us to be a leader and when we are not being a leader to them they are fighting us for our leadership.
A great example of our children wanting leadership is very similar to women wanting their husbands to be the spiritual leader in the home. When we do not like the way our spouse leads, and we say we want him to be the spiritual leader we are taking over his territory and we are trying to lead.
When we use punishment as the substitute for discipline we are responding with our emotions, rather than with the facts. We are then beginning to escalate and causing stress in ourselves and in our homes.
I am still learning how to be a parent who uses discipline rather than using punishment. In disciplining our children we are teaching them in the end they will report to God, and to God alone.
We can give our children freedom. In giving our children freedom we are teaching them the power of choice. This even works when a child does need to have a consequence for doing something inappropriate.
I often ask my 5 year old this question "Are you making a good choice or a bad choice?" Training him to ask himself this question he is learning the idea that there are natural consequences in life. I have given him the choice when it comes to those consequences and time and time again he will pick the harder one for me and for him.
As mothers we have a love for our child, and in the Greek that love is called Storge –meaning it will end some day. We then have to learn to love with the brotherly/friendship love - Philia. This is a hard transition for us mothers. Yet I strongly believe if we begin with the discipleship of our children now it will be easier to let them go when the time comes.
Let's get rid of the way many of us have been told to parent - balanced - Go for a direction called grace based parenting and freedom parenting. (Chris recommends a book by Tim Kimmel – ‘Grace Based Parenting’) When we can find ways to give away freedom and offer grace when mistakes are made we are showing our children the way God loves us. God gave us free will and He also gives us the grace we don't deserve.
Speaking the truth in love to our children we will make it through the flames and will not get burned. We can jump into the raging waters and we will not drown. Together we are going to finish this marathon of parenting one step at a time.
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