Margin - Starla Lawerence

Starla has helped with the MOPS at Grace for a while. She is now doing other things in life. Every now and then we get to see her. This was one of those days, where she shared some of her wisdom with us about living in the Margins.
Starla gave us some great wisdom about babies: Babies – not all babies are beautiful.
All babies are so sweet. Reserve the beautiful comment for the really beautiful babies.
Starla is married to Scott – 33yrs in June. They have 4 daughter 29-13, and are enjoying parenting and grand-parenting at the same time.  Late in life baby don’t fret God knows what He is doing.

       For those of us who think about making New Year's resolutions we find ourselves struggling in keeping those promises to ourselves. Starla does something a little different. She searches her heart and seeks out one word.  

     This year the word was - Intentional.  After praying and seeking out the word, she then asks for God to show her how to live out the word for that year.

The topic Starla chose to talk to us about is Margin. For me it was very helpful.

If you want to get deeper into Margin in life a book by Richard Swenson ‘Margin’ is an excellent resource.  

How many times do we find ourselves stating we are overwhelmed? I know I do often. I never seem to have enough time to do what I want to do. Starla explained we live outside of the margins too much in our lives.

We on overload in our lives much of the time. 

Examples of overloads:

Activity – busy schedules (this kind of overload takes away the pleasure of anticipation.)

Choice overload – a grocery store can have at least 180 different kinds of cereals. No wonder we don’t want to go shopping. We have no liberated ourselves in choices. The choices have only become more difficult.

Commitment overload – we have a hard time saying no. We have too many relationships, to many things to do. Weather good or bad, we are overloaded on our commitments.

Debt Overload – debt overload creates stress on our families. We have gotten really good at living out of our means. Crown Ministries is a great way to get us out of debt overload. There is a way to be a slave to debt. Trust for God’s provision. Talk to Dee Peirce to find out more about how trusting in God can help with not getting into Debt overload.

Expectation overload – the affluence brings us more. We have to be more, have more? Yet we are unaware of how to be happy with the simple things in life. We are in want rather than in need.

Fatigue overload – We are aware that even our leisure activates are attacking our bodies, minds, and our relationships.

Hurry overload – We walk fast, eat fast, and are always on the run with excuses.  The book ‘The Hurry Child’ has us discovering that we want our children to grow up faster than need to be. As Mamas we have to move more slowly. We were given children to teach us to appreciate us slowing down in life.

Media technology overload – Everything is paced at media speed, we don’t talk face to face – we e-mail or send a text.

Time overload – Ask Lil Cunningham at some-point about her fasting Facebook.

Possession overload – Everything we have owns us. We are suppose to able to own what we have with being content in our current situations.

If wanting some ideas and some radical adjustments to living beyond the wants and into the needs two books recommended by Starla are: Radical by David and Crazy Love by Chan.

We are the handiwork of God.

Isa 43:7

We are created for God’s glory. How do we glorify Him in our lives?

Some great ideas to help us;

Use dry erase markers and make statements on mirrors and windows. Write a word, a verse, or something meaningful to a spouse, child, friend who might be in your home.

Saint Francis of Assisi states “Just live what you Believe.” If we followed the ideal of St. Fracis then our lives would be a good balance of living with-in the margins.

Ever asked yourself what is truly important to you? This is a good way of living within the margin.

Have wide spaces around the words. Allow the margin to overflow, rather than filling up the page of life with things of have to do….We are able to live in the Margins.

It is okay to cut back, slow down and to be choosy in what we do. We need to be able to be available to love our family first.

We want to be available to those we don’t know, we want too and we need to have orderly life for us to do things well.
We have nothing to give to those we love, until we things right within inside ourselves.
Remember as Moms we need to take the time and recharge too.
Recharging – it is a great idea…as for many of us the big questions is “HOW?”
Recharging is going to be a lot of different things…we need to recharge spiritually, physically, emotionally.
Spiritually:
90.7 at 3:05 Dr. Randy is a great way to listen for a few minutes.
Focus on the Family
Read the Bible….set a goal for one chapter

Emotionally:

You care for your spouse – love your husband.  

Find things you enjoy.

Make something and make time for your project.

Physically:

Walk

Find some sort of exercise that is enjoyable.

Create a home that is a work of art – safe, inviting a place that is home to others.

How do we practically recreate?

1 We have to learn to say no

2 We have to learn to regain control of our lives and schedules.

3 Place God at the center of all things – learn to focus on people as well as things.

4 Trying to solve the problem of imbalance or we will continue to be in an unbalanced state of mind.

5 Accept the no given to us by other people.

Chasing What Matters - Feb 2011

Katie, is a mother of six, yes six children. As wife and mother she brings a lot to the table, a lot for us young mothers to think about and learn together.

We are mothers today, right here, right now! I don't know how many of us dressed up dolls and dreamed of having a family. Guess what! We are living our dream.

Katie talked about how God knew she would need all six of her children to get to the end of herself. I have to agree that God knows what we need when we are completely unaware.

 Katie talked about what truly matters and chasing what matters in our lives and teaching our children to chase what matters.  Our children know what we are chasing, people who know us, know what we are chasing.

Our family, spouses, children, and friends truly watch what we do. Proverbs 31 reveals to us how we can be a godly influence and then in turn there is a blessing that comes to us when we chase after what is important to us.

²⁸Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, fortunate, and to be envied); and her husband boasts of and praises her, [saying]²⁹Many daughters have done virtuously, nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], but you excel them all. ³⁰Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised! Proverbs 31:28-30 Amplified Bible

What is the most important thing to you and what do you chase? I will be honest with you in my own answer to the question – “The bills being paid, enough food in the house to feed little ones, and of course diapers. I chase my husband and nag him into doing chores, and my children too.” I had not really thought what ‘Truly Matters, or to Chase What Matters.’

Katie had couple of points I want to share with you on ‘What Truly Matters’ and ‘Chasing What Matters’.  I agree with Katie in; Our vision has been blurred…cluttered mind and cluttered lives. We are chasing to many things that do not matter.

Our time is short, we really only have the here and now. We are only promised one day at time.

Matt 6:19:22¹⁹"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, ²⁰ but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

What Truly Matters?

The Word of God, Souls of Men, and Living for his glory

 Scripture gives life. The words that have been penned in the Bible can help us to raise our children, encourage our husbands, and encouragement to us when we feel frustrated with our children.

Katie used a great example of how we train our children with the Word of God.

Katie has teenage boys and she is teaching them the importance of looking for a woman who will love, honor, and respect and cherish them. They have dates and study the two types of women Proverbs talks about; those two women can be found in Proverbs 31 and then in Proverbs 5, 6,and 7;  teaching her boys to look for the wise woman.

Be creative in ways to help you and your family to understand the Bible.

One way that was suggested was to have easy scripture verses in the ABC’s.

Mommy is not perfect, is really. Our children can pray for us. Asking them what they (children) think we need prayer for. We need them and God gave them to me and we are a family. We got to be a team.

Chasing what Matters:

Our Maker Matters:

 “²⁴ Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ²⁵ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. ²⁶ What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?” Matt 16:24-26 NIV

I don’t know about you, as for myself I set my Maker aside. I have to many other things that need to be done.

We need to continually learn what pleases the Lord. Remember he has good things in store for us.

During the awakening –  There was a saying about what had happened to those who had been touched by God.

“I have been seized by the power of a great affection.” 

 “¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Our Maker knows us inside and out as stated in the Psalms.

 “¹³For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
   my soul knows it very well.¹⁵My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth.¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them the days that were formed for me,
   when as yet there was none of them.” Ps 139:13-16

We need to become passionate about our Maker. Many of us are not passionate, yet we want our children to be passionate and they are getting confused.  When our hearts do not go with our passion A children are watching talk the talk and not walking the walk.

Marriage Matters –

Our marriage does matter, even when feel like it doesn’t. 

Our children are aware of how we treat our spouse. If we are not treating our spouse with respect, neither will our children. A lot more of marriage is caught rather than taught.

God designed our marriage.

Beauty of the picture of Christ in the Church

 – the Church is a beautiful bride –

We have to remember we are the beautiful bride to our spouses. Even when our hair is a mess, the baby’s spit up is all over us. We are still beautiful to our spouses. 

There are times we feel like we are just mommy, and our self-worth, as an attractive, sexy woman is gone. Take a few minutes to make the effort in being the beautiful bride God created.

As we love our man – we can always be a better wife to our husband.

You better know what you sign up for before getting married. They were witnesses that were to hold me accountable –

Not many brides hear – for worse, for sick, and for poor – we want the nicer things of life.

Life is hard. It just doesn’t this side of heaven.

Our Children Matter:

Than hand the rocks the cradle rules the world. Send them out as mighty warriors. Shine the light, fight for my marriage, have the power of the truth where ever they go.

We will have no regrets as mothers…make that our prayer.  

We want to be women in our society that rises our children right. The best way for us to raise our children is to be able to help them walk though tough choices and teach them to walk through with prayer.

I am going to rule the world from within my home, by praying and showing my children what really matters. To teach them to chase what matters.

Deut 6:5-9                                                                                                   

⁵You^(A) shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. ⁶And^(B) these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. ^7(C) You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. ^8(D) You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ^9(E) You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Jan 19,2011 - Sarah Jane Walker on Love and Logic

We have heard from Chris Legg on disciple and after listening to Sarah Jane today I could put the principles together from both speakers and hopefully will be able to use their suggestions in my everyday life.

Love and Logic the more I think about it the two words, they really do go together. We want to love our children and we want to teach them logic. At times it may be hard to get the two to go hand in hand yet Sarah Jane gave us some practical tips to help all moms.

Here are some of the tips that was shared with us -

                                                                    Love and Logic -

The model for growing kids Gods way.

Parenting with Love and Logic, by Jim Faye and Foster Cline. 

Love and logic encompasses two things, love and logic. 1Corinthians 13

What does that mean for us and our children

 "1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

   Love never gives up.

   Love cares more for others than for self.

   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

   Love doesn't strut,

   Doesn't have a swelled head,

   Doesn't force itself on others,

   Isn't always "me first,"

   Doesn't fly off the handle,

   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

   Doesn't revel when others grovel,

   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

   Puts up with anything,

   Trusts God always,

   Always looks for the best,

   Never looks back,

   But keeps going to the end.

 8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled." 1 Cor 13:1-10

Love never gives up and hangs in there, and we want to teach our children and for our

empathy - Identifying with others in situations. 

Love - To have a deep tender affection, ineffable feeling.

Understanding -

Logic - to reason things out

When kids are 2- yes they can solve problems when they are two.

Lock in logic - reasoning or capable of reasoning in the head

Win-Win

Parents can love in a healthy way- - establish control without resorting to anger

Children - learn responsibility, logic of life by solving problems on their own

3 Tips

1. Setting family - Expectations and Rules

A. only 2-3

B. Different from Rules

C. Align with your values

(Walker family - Be respectful, (Rude comments) Be responsible, Be fun to be around (party, family parties...20 adults, 30 children, not wanting to share toys....a idea of not being fun around ). 

Rules with out relationship, cause Rebellion

Rewards w/o relationships seem like Bribes

Consequences without relationship - Resentment

Rules and Consequences with Relationships = Discipleship and Discipline.

Relationship that grows and leads direction.

Family Rules: Changed based on setting

Should fall under one of the expectations

Social and Behavioral

Not Emotional

2.  Shared Control -

 We are a little control freaky - most people I know really like control. "We want the PooWer" at our house

Someone will not do what they say at some point.

Giving a little control away -

Control is a Basic emotional need

*when humans perceive that control is being taken away they will most do anything to get it back

* Humans will even hurt themselves in order to prove that control can not be taken away

*Learning and high level tasks can't be preformed when a person is focused on fulfilling control

*When a control is shared, humans react better to stress and are easier to work with.

* Strong willing individuals have greater need for control.

Strong willed kids want a little more control. 

Control

really affective people share control by giving away small choices over small choices over issues, that wont cause a problem for anyone else.

The more perceived control a person has the more like he or she will be more cooperative.

Choices - The use of choices is the most misused technique in all of schools and homes

How choice is used right - I'm going to do this, not your going to do this

The V of Love - at birth not a whole lot of control, at adulthood should have a lot more of that control.  Control has limits, give a little more control. All about Perceived control, Offer choices in elementary - (example - soccer or swim team...not all of the sports).

Jr. High ( studying - one night to spend the night....) High school (who and where they go)

 The V is turned upside down and child has no controls, and goes to college and become a child who has no control. This child is now deemed the wild child. 

Small controls + choices

choices you can handle

fun for you

give 2 options

give choices before resistance

give a more specific time a child has to respond

choices are not negotiable

With times limits then we make the choice for them.

never give a choice that might cause a problem for you or someone else

choices NEVER break rules

When there are no choices we get a lot of misbehavior

then we have to enforces the rules

3. Mistakes and Opportunities

When children problem solve they become responsible for their own problems

When kids problems become our problems.

Get emotional about something that doesn't involve you

rescue mission parents

love doesn't'  - jumping into conflicts

need to Model adult behavior

Help them problem solve and save them .

If any ladies have anything to add, please add your thoughts on what Mrs. Walker talked about with Love and Logic. We would love to see some input on how you as mom are gathering information and then turning around and making it work for your family. Tanna 

Chris Legg - 1-5-2011 - Sex

How many of us moms don't want to have sex because we feel like we have to add the act of romance to our to do list? Honestly I think lot of us are probably going to say "yes"; we don't want too have sex after a full days work of house cleaning, laundry and caring for children. What if I said men look at sex completely different than how we ladies think? Many of us would probably roll over laughing. Let me introduce you to Chris Legg and his views on sex when it comes to men and women. I will introduce you to a new look at Esther and King Xerxes as told by Chris Legg.

Let's break down the story of Esther from the romantic story we have grown to love to something a little less romantic and probably a little more practical for the Persian Empire. King Xerxes was a very powerful man, and in the eyes of Persians.  He was considered as powerful as God himself.

With a slight signal of the hand King Xerxes could offer life or death when entering into his royal court. If anyone came to the king he made the decision in a split second to let the person live or die. Guards were posted to kill anyone who entered unless the signal was given.

As for Esther she along with many other virgins would be taken to prepare for one night with the king. Then after her one night she would then become apart of the harem.

When we truly look at what a harem was to the Persian empire it was basically women who were sex slaves.
These women were given a year of beauty treatments, and probably a little bit of education on sex and how the king liked sex, by eunuchs. To be the top Queen usually meant to have the heir to the throne.

As the story goes in the midst of feasting Xerxes called for Queen Vashti to come dance for him and his adviser, basically he had just asked the queen to come strip for him and his friends.Queen Vashti refused to come before the men.

At this insult to King Xerxes, Queen Vashti was stripped of her duties and sent away. Virgins were brought to be apart of the King's Harem. Here is where we get Esther. Keeping in mind 12 months of beauty treatments and more than likely learning about sexual pleasures for the king. All of this was taught to have one night with the king. Then after that night, more than likely he would not ask for her again, for a month or longer.

Esther came before the king uninvited, which at the time was certain death unless the king gave a motion not to kill her. Something in that one night with the king intrigued King Xerxes, there could be a number of things that set her apart. We truly do not know what set Esther apart only that God did have a plan.  I personally feel that she listened to the eunuch to the King and did only what was suggested by Hegai. Esther was given wisdom in finding someone who knew the King very well, knowing King Xerxes likes and dislikes.

Esther knew how to get King Xerxes attention, and it was to connect with him sexually. I also believe she had paid attention to what the eunuch Hegai had said to her in her 12 months of preparation with the King.

Today we see a banquet and think something along the lines of Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner. I know for myself I never truly allowed myself to really think about how Esther got the attention of the King.

More than likely the banquet was probably a very erotic design. The banquet was very unlike the tradition of the day. Being an erotic event allowed Esther to hold King Xerxes attention in a way unlike before. Esther put herself in a position where she showed  King Xerxes, she desired him as a man, a sexual being and she wanted him too, not just when he summoned her for sexual pleasures.

In the day of Persia the men were the ones who dictated sex and women who obeyed. When Esther offered herself she showed King Xerxes she was choosing him freely. She stepped beyond the door of being a part of a harem and offered herself as a woman who wanted to connect with her husband. More than likely it was the first time King Xerxes had ever been chosen freely. It had him intrigued and he walked away from her and agreed to another banquet the following night. The second banquet is where Esther pleads for her life and the life of her people.

Now in repeating the story of Esther and Xerxes we find something a bit unusual when it comes to marriage in our world today, especially in our western mind set. While we all may have some idea, I am confident in we are pretty far removed from ideals of what it is like to live in a harem.

For us as women today we have a lot of choices opened to us. Yet many of us are feeling overwhelmed by the sexual advances of our husbands. As mothers and wives we may not understand the reason why our husbands desire us all the time, or when we don't offer them ourselves why our spouses turn to another counterfeit love.

I hope to wrap the basic points of what men and women want in a few basic statements. I thank Jenny Mostad and Lisa McGowan  for their help with the notes. '

There are two books that Chris Legg suggested -
"Romancing Your Husband" by D.W. Smith

"The Sexually Confident Wife" by Shannon Ethridge

Men don't want sex freely, they want to be freely chosen.

Here is where we see the puzzlement with King Xerxes. He had been chosen freely for probably the first time in his life by a woman. In our western world we usually have chosen our spouse freely. Yet once chosen we as women may feel like we have done our part in life. We need to be consistent in continually choosing our husbands. When our husbands feel like we are choosing them freely, we are showing them we respect them.
I read the book 'Love and Respect', and personally thought the book was one-sided. Then after hearing Chris speak I skimmed through the book again and saw a whole different look. I basically view the book with a new pair of lenses. Part of respecting our spouse is to choose him freely.

For men sexuality and identity are the same.  For women sexuality and identity are separate.We may not truly know why sexuality and identity are separate for us as women. When we turn down sex, we are turning our husband's identity down. When our husband turns us down we are not as disturbed by the turn down, since we are able to separate out our identity and sexuality.

There are probably many factors playing into this mindset. As women we may have the fear of sexual assault, and/or abuse that might have happened as a child, or the way we have been taught to think about sex through the generations.

Men have been more open minded to sexuality than women. I think and hope we are beginning to have a more open mind than the generations before us. I do believe we are also more open in talking about sex with one another as women.

Guys don't need to distinguish between sexual and non sexual touch. Women need a reason to "touch".
I had to think about this statement. The more I thought about it the more true the statement is. I can say my husband will be walking through a store (his favorite place to do this is Wal-mart) and he will pat my backside. I know many of us have had the same experience. The way Chris explains touch makes sense now to me. Chris explains that to men all touch is sexual, a way to connect with their wives. As women we see touch in various degrees.  I am still not thrilled when he shows public displays affections, yet I am understanding a little more about my husband than I used too.

As women we view home as a place where many of us have more work, whether we are stay at home moms or work outside of the home, we still have more work waiting for us at home. We also view home as where our children live. Men use the word 'home' to describe involved sex, not arousal. As women we are often wanting to be done with the act of sex. Our spouse may want more time together, more intimacy, it may not be the actual act of sex, it's the act of being 'home'.  Our spouse sees home as sex he does not understand why we have to 'work' at sex.

Home is where a man's wife. Home for a wife is where the children live.For a man the wife is irreplaceable, for a woman a man is replaceable. I am reminded of a story my husband shared with me about spouses loving each other.

If there was a burning building and your could only save either your spouse or your children which would it be? The answer for many of us as mothers would be our children. My husband said the same, then heard the rest of the story. Your spouse is your life partner, and your children are actually replaceable. While the truth to the statement hurts I understand it a little bit better. Our husbands see us as irreplaceable. 

We had many questions asked at the end of our session with Chris.
I want to bring up one that has probably effected many marriages and women. Pornography. I am not exactly sure how the question was brought up...it was something along the lines of; "Why do men get involved in pornography?" Here is the answer - As women we offer our men something genuine, the real deal.

The example Chris used was buying a Rolex watch. To our husbands we are a Rolex. There are many counterfeits out in the world. We have many people trying to sell our husbands a knock-off Rolex on the side of the road. When we turn away from our husbands we give them the opportunity to look for the fake Rolex. A good salesperson is just that a good salesperson. Those who have the market on pornography are good salespeople.We need to remember we are the Rolex and offer it our husbands.

We need to start being aware of how our husbands interact with us. Look for the moments when our husband desire our 'touch' and we are more aware of our husband's 'touch'. We need to look at our men as irreplaceable not replaceable. As wives let us remember 'home' is where we are to our husbands.

Thanks again to Jenny and Lisa for their notes to help create this entry to the blog.

Tanna

ReCap of 2010 Fall Semester.

We had our last meeting of the semester only a few short days ago. This year has gone by fast! I hope each of our moms have been blessed.

Just a quick reminder of all of the things we learned at MOPS. Here are some recaps - Finances with Earl Hengen of Edward Jones:

Earl has a heart to for encouraging families that wealth is not always about money. He was able to remind us we can still take control of a downward spiral of debt and come up with a plan to get us financially stable in an unstable world.

We had a cup of 'hot' water with Myra Brandenburg. Along the way we learned the importance of the true meaning of friendship. Friendships not only in our lives, but in our kids' lives. We never know when a meaningful, teachable moment might arise with our girlfriends' children. 

Come one, come all to worship the King with Christy McMurry - we had a day to visit and be gal pals and make a piece of artwork into something functional.  

Lynelle Zandstra joined us for a day in teaching us how to raise our kids so they turn out right. We can smell like pickles or we can smell like warm chocolate chip cookies. We learned it was our decision to teach our children how to make our lives a sweet smelling lifestyle. We also learned the importance of being happy with what we have. When the Dr. Peppers and M&M's come our way, see it as a blessing of want, not a need that needs to be fulfilled everyday. 

Millie Tanner reminded us, even though we are moms, we still need to pay attention to our spouses and learn to respect them as our helpmate. When we commit to something, do it with a cheerful heart.   We should not grumble. We need to learn to just say "no" and not let guilt get in the way of our joy with spending time with our family.  

Chris Legg - What do I have left to say...The man summed it up all in one word GRACE - We must have grace for our children when it comes to discipline. We must be willing to let go and allow their freedoms to take place. We are raising them to live a successful adult life. As moms, we must make sacrifices and allow the "Stogie" love become "Philla" love.                                  

Our last meeting of the year we had some great ideas from our moms in making meaningful Christmas traditions. Here are just a few: 
Make an ornament to go on the Christmas tree; Act out the Christmas story; Find a group like Toys for Tots and begin teaching our children that giving is an important part of Christmas, not merely receiving; Make a birthday cake for Jesus.
I only hope we have as much fun in the next semester as we have had in this one. 
 Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
God Bless to All   - Tanna

Discipline - Chris Legg - 12-1- 2010

I have been thinking about raising my children in an environment that promotes choices, freedom, and grace. In doing those three things where on earth do I as a parent begin? I am going to share with you some great information,  We had a speaker at MOPS in Tyler, Texas -  Chris Legg.

Before I give you those little nuggets of information I want to take a journey with you into the world of words; especially the word discipline and punishment. 

When you hear the word disciple what is the first thing that comes to your mind? For me I cringe because I am sure I am in trouble for something I did. I had to take a new approach and put on a new lens of looking at the words.

Here is some great news - 'We have had a skewed view of discipline.' 

I am sure each person who reads this is going to find my statement above totally absurd. I am going to take us on a journey about the word discipline and punishment. I hope as parents we see a different approach for our children.

Thinking back to my younger days the words punishment and discipline were used as synonyms. When in reality the word discipline actually has a much different meaning than punishment.

Let's first look at the word; punishment, Webster’s definition is; "suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution"; Webster’s definition of discipline is: “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character" 

 The two words discipline and punishment can be as different from day and night. I did a little bit of research into the word discipline and found an interesting correlation between discipline and disciple. In the Greek we have the word 'mathēteuō '( mä-thā-tyü'-ō ) meaning to teach, or instruct.  If we look disciplining our children in the view of discipleship I think we are going to have a better chance in teaching our children what we want them to learn. 

 As parents we now need tools to get our mindset out of punishment into discipiling our children. 

Chris Legg on Wednesday had some great ideas to get our mind going in the right direction. I am also reading a book by Danny Silk "Loving our Kids on Purpose".

 I hope to encourage you as mothers of young children we can do this! We can make our kids become great disciples of what we are teaching them, and in teaching our children we are following scripture -  "Teach a youth about the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." (Prov 22:6 - Holman Christian Standard)

Now for some practical tools that can help each of us in our walk with our children. Chris shared these tools with us on Wednesday -

Grab piece of paper and write down 5 skill sets you want your children to have when they leave your home. When your spouse gets home then ask him to do the same. You are going to have 10 skill sets you want your child to learn. What a relief we have goals to work towards with your children! 

Some of those skill sets are going to change over the years. Some won't. I will share with you a few of mine. 

                      1. I want my child to understand the importance of having a relationship with Jesus

                      2. Learn to budget/mange money from an early age.

                      3. To be potty trained before he goes to 1st grade.

                      4. Learn interdependence. (A great book to help with this is the ‘The 7 Habits of Highly                                                   Effetive People’ , by Stephen Covey)

                     5. Learn how to make good choices and understand the consequences when making a bad        choice. (helpful book is ‘Loving Your Kids on Purpose’ by Danny Silk)

While by the time James is six years old the skill set will change. I have other skill sets for each of my kids. Some of the skill sets are the same and others will change.

Make a date night and talk to your spouse about the skill sets you want to develop in your children, and then develop a plan to put these into practice. Make a monthly meeting to help both you and your husband, and also a time to rejoice over the skills your children are learning. 

A few of reasons why discipline is so hard to do in our lives:

 Discipline is inconvenient for the parent; punishment is for the parent not for the child. Discipline takes time, so does discipleship. Keep the finish line in your sights and you will make huge progress.

 We are in a battle for our children's lives from the one who wants to steal, kill and destroy our lives and their lives. Our children want control, they want us to be a leader and when we are not being a leader to them they are fighting us for our leadership.

A great example of our children wanting leadership is very similar to women wanting their husbands to be the spiritual leader in the home. When we do not like the way our spouse leads, and we say we want him to be the spiritual leader we are taking over his territory and we are trying to lead.

When we use punishment as the substitute for discipline we are responding with our emotions, rather than with the facts. We are then beginning to escalate and causing stress in ourselves and in our homes. 

I am still learning how to be a parent who uses discipline rather than using punishment.  In disciplining our children we are teaching them in the end they will report to God, and to God alone.

We can give our children freedom. In giving our children freedom we are teaching them the power of choice. This even works when a child does need to have a consequence for doing something inappropriate.

 I often ask my 5 year old this question "Are you making a good choice or a bad choice?" Training him to ask himself this question he is learning the idea that there are natural consequences in life. I have given him the choice when it comes to those consequences and time and time again he will pick the harder one for me and for him.

As mothers we have a love for our child, and  in the Greek that love is called Storge –meaning it will end some day. We then have to learn to love with the brotherly/friendship love - Philia. This is a hard transition for us mothers. Yet I strongly believe if we begin with the discipleship of our children now it will be easier to let them go when the time comes.

Let's get rid of the way many of us have been told to parent - balanced - Go for a direction called grace based parenting and freedom parenting. (Chris recommends a book by Tim Kimmel – ‘Grace Based Parenting’) When we can find ways to give away freedom and offer grace when mistakes are made we are showing our children the way God loves us. God gave us free will and He also gives us the grace we don't deserve. 

Speaking the truth in love to our children we will make it through the flames and will not get burned. We can jump into the raging waters and we will not drown.  Together we are going to finish this marathon of parenting one step at a time.