Jan 19,2011 - Sarah Jane Walker on Love and Logic

We have heard from Chris Legg on disciple and after listening to Sarah Jane today I could put the principles together from both speakers and hopefully will be able to use their suggestions in my everyday life.

Love and Logic the more I think about it the two words, they really do go together. We want to love our children and we want to teach them logic. At times it may be hard to get the two to go hand in hand yet Sarah Jane gave us some practical tips to help all moms.

Here are some of the tips that was shared with us -

                                                                    Love and Logic -

The model for growing kids Gods way.

Parenting with Love and Logic, by Jim Faye and Foster Cline. 

Love and logic encompasses two things, love and logic. 1Corinthians 13

What does that mean for us and our children

 "1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

   Love never gives up.

   Love cares more for others than for self.

   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

   Love doesn't strut,

   Doesn't have a swelled head,

   Doesn't force itself on others,

   Isn't always "me first,"

   Doesn't fly off the handle,

   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

   Doesn't revel when others grovel,

   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

   Puts up with anything,

   Trusts God always,

   Always looks for the best,

   Never looks back,

   But keeps going to the end.

 8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled." 1 Cor 13:1-10

Love never gives up and hangs in there, and we want to teach our children and for our

empathy - Identifying with others in situations. 

Love - To have a deep tender affection, ineffable feeling.

Understanding -

Logic - to reason things out

When kids are 2- yes they can solve problems when they are two.

Lock in logic - reasoning or capable of reasoning in the head

Win-Win

Parents can love in a healthy way- - establish control without resorting to anger

Children - learn responsibility, logic of life by solving problems on their own

3 Tips

1. Setting family - Expectations and Rules

A. only 2-3

B. Different from Rules

C. Align with your values

(Walker family - Be respectful, (Rude comments) Be responsible, Be fun to be around (party, family parties...20 adults, 30 children, not wanting to share toys....a idea of not being fun around ). 

Rules with out relationship, cause Rebellion

Rewards w/o relationships seem like Bribes

Consequences without relationship - Resentment

Rules and Consequences with Relationships = Discipleship and Discipline.

Relationship that grows and leads direction.

Family Rules: Changed based on setting

Should fall under one of the expectations

Social and Behavioral

Not Emotional

2.  Shared Control -

 We are a little control freaky - most people I know really like control. "We want the PooWer" at our house

Someone will not do what they say at some point.

Giving a little control away -

Control is a Basic emotional need

*when humans perceive that control is being taken away they will most do anything to get it back

* Humans will even hurt themselves in order to prove that control can not be taken away

*Learning and high level tasks can't be preformed when a person is focused on fulfilling control

*When a control is shared, humans react better to stress and are easier to work with.

* Strong willing individuals have greater need for control.

Strong willed kids want a little more control. 

Control

really affective people share control by giving away small choices over small choices over issues, that wont cause a problem for anyone else.

The more perceived control a person has the more like he or she will be more cooperative.

Choices - The use of choices is the most misused technique in all of schools and homes

How choice is used right - I'm going to do this, not your going to do this

The V of Love - at birth not a whole lot of control, at adulthood should have a lot more of that control.  Control has limits, give a little more control. All about Perceived control, Offer choices in elementary - (example - soccer or swim team...not all of the sports).

Jr. High ( studying - one night to spend the night....) High school (who and where they go)

 The V is turned upside down and child has no controls, and goes to college and become a child who has no control. This child is now deemed the wild child. 

Small controls + choices

choices you can handle

fun for you

give 2 options

give choices before resistance

give a more specific time a child has to respond

choices are not negotiable

With times limits then we make the choice for them.

never give a choice that might cause a problem for you or someone else

choices NEVER break rules

When there are no choices we get a lot of misbehavior

then we have to enforces the rules

3. Mistakes and Opportunities

When children problem solve they become responsible for their own problems

When kids problems become our problems.

Get emotional about something that doesn't involve you

rescue mission parents

love doesn't'  - jumping into conflicts

need to Model adult behavior

Help them problem solve and save them .

If any ladies have anything to add, please add your thoughts on what Mrs. Walker talked about with Love and Logic. We would love to see some input on how you as mom are gathering information and then turning around and making it work for your family. Tanna 

Chris Legg - 1-5-2011 - Sex

How many of us moms don't want to have sex because we feel like we have to add the act of romance to our to do list? Honestly I think lot of us are probably going to say "yes"; we don't want too have sex after a full days work of house cleaning, laundry and caring for children. What if I said men look at sex completely different than how we ladies think? Many of us would probably roll over laughing. Let me introduce you to Chris Legg and his views on sex when it comes to men and women. I will introduce you to a new look at Esther and King Xerxes as told by Chris Legg.

Let's break down the story of Esther from the romantic story we have grown to love to something a little less romantic and probably a little more practical for the Persian Empire. King Xerxes was a very powerful man, and in the eyes of Persians.  He was considered as powerful as God himself.

With a slight signal of the hand King Xerxes could offer life or death when entering into his royal court. If anyone came to the king he made the decision in a split second to let the person live or die. Guards were posted to kill anyone who entered unless the signal was given.

As for Esther she along with many other virgins would be taken to prepare for one night with the king. Then after her one night she would then become apart of the harem.

When we truly look at what a harem was to the Persian empire it was basically women who were sex slaves.
These women were given a year of beauty treatments, and probably a little bit of education on sex and how the king liked sex, by eunuchs. To be the top Queen usually meant to have the heir to the throne.

As the story goes in the midst of feasting Xerxes called for Queen Vashti to come dance for him and his adviser, basically he had just asked the queen to come strip for him and his friends.Queen Vashti refused to come before the men.

At this insult to King Xerxes, Queen Vashti was stripped of her duties and sent away. Virgins were brought to be apart of the King's Harem. Here is where we get Esther. Keeping in mind 12 months of beauty treatments and more than likely learning about sexual pleasures for the king. All of this was taught to have one night with the king. Then after that night, more than likely he would not ask for her again, for a month or longer.

Esther came before the king uninvited, which at the time was certain death unless the king gave a motion not to kill her. Something in that one night with the king intrigued King Xerxes, there could be a number of things that set her apart. We truly do not know what set Esther apart only that God did have a plan.  I personally feel that she listened to the eunuch to the King and did only what was suggested by Hegai. Esther was given wisdom in finding someone who knew the King very well, knowing King Xerxes likes and dislikes.

Esther knew how to get King Xerxes attention, and it was to connect with him sexually. I also believe she had paid attention to what the eunuch Hegai had said to her in her 12 months of preparation with the King.

Today we see a banquet and think something along the lines of Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner. I know for myself I never truly allowed myself to really think about how Esther got the attention of the King.

More than likely the banquet was probably a very erotic design. The banquet was very unlike the tradition of the day. Being an erotic event allowed Esther to hold King Xerxes attention in a way unlike before. Esther put herself in a position where she showed  King Xerxes, she desired him as a man, a sexual being and she wanted him too, not just when he summoned her for sexual pleasures.

In the day of Persia the men were the ones who dictated sex and women who obeyed. When Esther offered herself she showed King Xerxes she was choosing him freely. She stepped beyond the door of being a part of a harem and offered herself as a woman who wanted to connect with her husband. More than likely it was the first time King Xerxes had ever been chosen freely. It had him intrigued and he walked away from her and agreed to another banquet the following night. The second banquet is where Esther pleads for her life and the life of her people.

Now in repeating the story of Esther and Xerxes we find something a bit unusual when it comes to marriage in our world today, especially in our western mind set. While we all may have some idea, I am confident in we are pretty far removed from ideals of what it is like to live in a harem.

For us as women today we have a lot of choices opened to us. Yet many of us are feeling overwhelmed by the sexual advances of our husbands. As mothers and wives we may not understand the reason why our husbands desire us all the time, or when we don't offer them ourselves why our spouses turn to another counterfeit love.

I hope to wrap the basic points of what men and women want in a few basic statements. I thank Jenny Mostad and Lisa McGowan  for their help with the notes. '

There are two books that Chris Legg suggested -
"Romancing Your Husband" by D.W. Smith

"The Sexually Confident Wife" by Shannon Ethridge

Men don't want sex freely, they want to be freely chosen.

Here is where we see the puzzlement with King Xerxes. He had been chosen freely for probably the first time in his life by a woman. In our western world we usually have chosen our spouse freely. Yet once chosen we as women may feel like we have done our part in life. We need to be consistent in continually choosing our husbands. When our husbands feel like we are choosing them freely, we are showing them we respect them.
I read the book 'Love and Respect', and personally thought the book was one-sided. Then after hearing Chris speak I skimmed through the book again and saw a whole different look. I basically view the book with a new pair of lenses. Part of respecting our spouse is to choose him freely.

For men sexuality and identity are the same.  For women sexuality and identity are separate.We may not truly know why sexuality and identity are separate for us as women. When we turn down sex, we are turning our husband's identity down. When our husband turns us down we are not as disturbed by the turn down, since we are able to separate out our identity and sexuality.

There are probably many factors playing into this mindset. As women we may have the fear of sexual assault, and/or abuse that might have happened as a child, or the way we have been taught to think about sex through the generations.

Men have been more open minded to sexuality than women. I think and hope we are beginning to have a more open mind than the generations before us. I do believe we are also more open in talking about sex with one another as women.

Guys don't need to distinguish between sexual and non sexual touch. Women need a reason to "touch".
I had to think about this statement. The more I thought about it the more true the statement is. I can say my husband will be walking through a store (his favorite place to do this is Wal-mart) and he will pat my backside. I know many of us have had the same experience. The way Chris explains touch makes sense now to me. Chris explains that to men all touch is sexual, a way to connect with their wives. As women we see touch in various degrees.  I am still not thrilled when he shows public displays affections, yet I am understanding a little more about my husband than I used too.

As women we view home as a place where many of us have more work, whether we are stay at home moms or work outside of the home, we still have more work waiting for us at home. We also view home as where our children live. Men use the word 'home' to describe involved sex, not arousal. As women we are often wanting to be done with the act of sex. Our spouse may want more time together, more intimacy, it may not be the actual act of sex, it's the act of being 'home'.  Our spouse sees home as sex he does not understand why we have to 'work' at sex.

Home is where a man's wife. Home for a wife is where the children live.For a man the wife is irreplaceable, for a woman a man is replaceable. I am reminded of a story my husband shared with me about spouses loving each other.

If there was a burning building and your could only save either your spouse or your children which would it be? The answer for many of us as mothers would be our children. My husband said the same, then heard the rest of the story. Your spouse is your life partner, and your children are actually replaceable. While the truth to the statement hurts I understand it a little bit better. Our husbands see us as irreplaceable. 

We had many questions asked at the end of our session with Chris.
I want to bring up one that has probably effected many marriages and women. Pornography. I am not exactly sure how the question was brought up...it was something along the lines of; "Why do men get involved in pornography?" Here is the answer - As women we offer our men something genuine, the real deal.

The example Chris used was buying a Rolex watch. To our husbands we are a Rolex. There are many counterfeits out in the world. We have many people trying to sell our husbands a knock-off Rolex on the side of the road. When we turn away from our husbands we give them the opportunity to look for the fake Rolex. A good salesperson is just that a good salesperson. Those who have the market on pornography are good salespeople.We need to remember we are the Rolex and offer it our husbands.

We need to start being aware of how our husbands interact with us. Look for the moments when our husband desire our 'touch' and we are more aware of our husband's 'touch'. We need to look at our men as irreplaceable not replaceable. As wives let us remember 'home' is where we are to our husbands.

Thanks again to Jenny and Lisa for their notes to help create this entry to the blog.

Tanna